This is a hard one to write and I've just started admitting it...I don't have those fuzzy warm feelings left after losing my husband to suicide.
When a really good memory does pop up it's almost always associated with a really bad memory as well.
He was an alcoholic. Very high functioning, very charismatic. And very verbally mean when drinking. And at the end, that was pretty much all day every day. He never touched me physically to hurt me. His words were taking care of that.
I have no children, my parents are long gone, and I only have one sibling that I've never been close to. One cousin that was a best friend and that I talked with at least daily lost her battle to cancer about two months before my husband killed himself. This road has felt so long and lonely.
My faith, a few really good friends and the prayers from so many others got me thru this.
After talking with so many others I've learned:
- Addiction is a coping method masking an inability to cope with life.
- Life with an alcoholic is hard!
- Life with someone battling addiction is tough!
So many folks grew up with an alcoholic parent or married someone with dependency issues. Precious few have any true good memories. Mental illness is rampant and few seem to care.
Suicide impacts so many from family members to co-workers to friends to neighbors. It just ain't worth it.
Suicide seems to be treated the way we treated cancer eons ago when I was growing up...one whispers it and it's taboo to admit. Even the Catholic Church has softened their stance on suicide. It's a complicated issue. It's rampant in the military, with first responders, police officers, young gays...young folks in general.
A life is a life, and we need to work harder understanding all of these things. We need to be able to share our experiences without shame and without blame!
Suicide sux!! Talk about it.
–RM